Kids of OFWs Growing up without Parents

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Orphaned"

By: Zsa Zsa Briones, PHd.
Clinical Psychologist
PsychConsult


By 9 o’clock in the morning, James* had kicked a classmate, refused to do his work, raised his voice at his teacher, then was asked to sit in a corner until he calmed down. Little did his teachers and classmates know that for breakfast, he had nothing to eat, except for a glass of milk because his older brother ate the last slice of ham while his younger sister Jema had 2 pieces. His kuya Jake screamed at him for waking up late. Hungry and annoyed, James scouted for something to eat in the refrigerator but their uncle forgot to buy loaf bread last night. “Haay!” James grumbled. The school bus honked loudly, sending the three children scrambling to lug their 5 pound roller bags out the door, just as their helper walked in from the market. James took the steps up after his sister then plopped down on the third row beside her on a worn out cushion. He wondered whether he could grab a bite at the school canteen. Just his luck, he forgot his allowance! He timidly asked his siblings for money but neither had any. He needed to contend with his corned beef and rice for lunch and biscuits for a snack. Dinner at home would probably be as meager as his meal for the day since his mother had not sent their monthly allowance yet. It had been coming late the past months because she got sick and missed several days of work. A tough morning for a 10 year old. James was irritable at school the rest of the day.

I saw James the next afternoon. His usually bright face was bowed down as he entered the room and whispered a “Hello,” as he dropped heavily on a plastic chair. “Tita,” as he preferred to call me, “alam mo, I miss nanay so much. I wish she will come home. Noong nandito siya, nagluluto siya ng masarap, di tulad ni Ate Neng.” I ached for James. He and his siblings were practically orphaned. Their helper, Neng, was young and hardly experienced in caring for children while they hardly saw their uncle Edwin who was recently assigned the night shift at a call center, nonetheless, he was kind and thoughtful to the children; Neng spent her free time on her cellphone after the food was cooked and the house was clean. “I wish tatay will get work soon,” James added. He was aware that his seafarer father was unemployed for several months, now doing menial jobs. His mother, an office clerk, sent most of her earnings to them.

“Naiinis ako, umalis pa kasi si nanay,” James quipped, his small eyes narrowing, “kung di sana siya umalis…” he trailed and looked out the window. The children spent the last 5 years cared for by Edwin, widowed at age 40. He agreed to take the children from his sister— their mother— Beth, since he did not have children of his own. He did not realize the responsibility that fell on his lap. He helped out financially but assigned the child caretaking to the helpers who came and went. When the children needed him, they waited up on certain nights until 10 p.m. so he could sign the parent reply slips needed for school. To his credit, he attended the parent-teacher conferences when he could.

“Iba talaga kapag nasa bahay ang nanay ‘no, Tita,” James’ voice quivered. I saw tears brimming in his eyes. “Sana nandito na siya ngayon para mag-alaga sa min.” He looked down at his intertwined fingers and fought back his tears. He cried. And cried. Like a baby. It was heartbreaking. So much longing for his parents. So much pain being separated from them. Between hiccups, he recalled what their family did two years ago when his parents arrived for the first time since they left. Happy memories seemed to sustain him and his sobs lessened. We spent the next sessions talking about his family. I saw the siblings together for sessions as well, and held parent conferences with his uncle.

“Tita, nagchat kami ni nanay sa webcam kagabi,” James reported to me three months later. “Dati di niya alam pa’no mag-chat.” He and his siblings seemed happier and became more helpful toward each other. Fortunately, their uncle Edwin consciously spent more time with them, mindful of getting home early to supervise the children’s projects and homework. He took them out on weekends when his schedule allowed. He even felt more bonded with them, thinking of them as his own.

James, his siblings, and many other children with OFW parents seem practically orphaned, not because of their parents’ demise, but because of the limited and sometimes inconsistent surrogate parental guidance, nurturance, and supervision from relatives (or non-relatives) with whom they are left.

However, having sparse sources of nurturance and affection leaves children wanting, searching for parental figures from whom they can receive basic emotional support. Gratefully, some children live with guardians who sincerely care about them and look after them as if their own.

Unfortunately, some children are simply provided with food and shelter, but have to fend for themselves emotionally. They cry alone when they miss their parents; they seem less energetic in school, appear withdrawn among peers, or fail their subjects. In contrast, some children tend to externalize when their family structure changes— they become overly active or disruptive, get into fights, or become moody.

James, however, seemed better off than other children. He had actively reached out to his teachers, soaking in every bit of attention he could squeeze from them. He sought them during break time, talking amiably to at least one teacher. He had one parent figure at home but several teachers during the day. Going to school was the highlight of his week.

Truly, there can be no substitute for parents who are physically present to their children. In their absence, they entrust their children to family members who, hopefully, will provide them with a semblance of parental support. Some guardians, however, become thrust into a role that they awkwardly attempt to fulfill, realizing the demands of guardianship is actually a parental role. Often, they need support and coaching to handle the young ones entrusted to them. Thus, lucky the children whose guardians and significant people around them, like teachers and compassionate adults, seriously take on their role and become main sources of emotional support, nurturance, and love to children with OFW parents so they do not feel as “orphaned.”


Ms. Briones practices clinical psychology at PsychConsult, Inc., in Cubao, Quezon City . She conducts play therapy for children, psychological assessment, and individual therapy. She hopes children with OFW parents live with family members who truly care about their wellbeing.


(*Names and circumstances have been changed to protect identities.)

------------------


What do you think of this article? Click on the word "comments" just below. Ask questions. Click on Magtanong sa Doktor or Magtanong sa Psychologist. Share your thoughts, feelings and experiences. Stay in touch!

Click here to set an appointment with the psychologists and doctors on our website.
Click to return to website: www.ofwparasapamilya.com

-----------------